The brief lull, if you can call it that
Of course I didn't go cold turkey. Who could? I had grown addicted to the attention. The physical rush that came with chatting, flirting, and planning...the first meeting. I wish I could say I wanted a steady boyfriend, fucktoy, or whatever you want to call it. But I don't think I actually did. That anticipation of having a complete stranger knock on my door for only one reason was exhilarating. It was my adrenaline rush. It was my high. My drug. I loved it. I remember trying to relay the feeling to a friend at lunch. "How does it make me feel to have hot 20 something strangers want to come over and ravage my body?" Fucking amazing.
Of course it was a dangerous existence, especially for a woman living alone. Short and long term. I guess I'm lucky I didn't end up in pieces shattered across the city...or worse, with a STD.
It was that lunch, though, with my friend where a slight shift in my trajectory took place. To back up a bit, this was a childhood friend. A guy. One who knew me in my innocence, as it was, before boys and men made me messy. We had been chatting online for a bit. He was unhappy in his marriage. I was a newly divorced, anti-marriage fiend. It was harmless on my end. I would've never entertained a thought of anything romantic, not with the action I was getting....
But as I said, I was kinda getting bored, at least tired. It was exhausting. What I would imagine a coke fueled 3 month party would be like, I was burnt out. I was working long hours, hitting the gym, and well, hitting it constantly. I needed to step off the merry-go-round, if just for a second. He was a friend who needed to talk and I was a friend with a shit ton to say. About everything. My interludes obviously lacked anything beyond the physical stimulation and this was just what my in (head) house doctor ordered. Plus it was a guy friend...two birds, one stone. I could get the attention and ogling with intelligent conversation. Needless to say, it began to take a turn. I saw it happening, like you see a car crash in slow motion and the momentum was too great, I couldn't stop it. Rather, I chose not to stop it...because I was the one driving the car.
I knew he was attracted to me. He even had a crush on me back then, while I dated his best friend. He was always the gentleman, though. Never made a single move. And I knew he wouldn't this time. He gave himself the opportunities, did the things which made most girls swoon. I knew the game. He needed me to take the step. I toyed with him for bit. Tortured him, really. Then one day, I think I got bored with it. Finally, I said, Brian if you aren't at my place by 4p pinning me up against the wall, I'm done with this. Brian was on time, probably early. I don't believe I'd ever broken a heart in my life time until then.
Brian was the dutiful boyfriend. Dinners out. Movies. Fun activities. It was a nice change. But even as he decided to leave his wife, I constantly warned him, our story would not end happily ever after. In fact, I repeatedly told him that I would break his heart. I would, invariably, get bored and go back to my hot, young guys. I was not girlfriend material. My loyalty was reserved for me alone. Yes, I was a stellar asshole to him but I told him. I didn't just warn him, I told him. And I meant it. Of course, I loved him. I loved Brian before this all started. The more horrible part was that I knew he loved me. The irony of me finding that ideal relationship dynamic and basically spitting in it's face is quite evident to me. I had wished for this all my adult life and now wanted nothing to do with it. A greater issue at hand? Probably, but we can come back to that. The fact was I wasn't ready for that ideal dynamic.
It was a pleasant, normal dating experience. Apart from him still being married (although he had announced his intention to file for divorce to his family...right before Christmas! That was pretty harsh. I begged him to wait but his mind was set. I think this pushed me as well. Part of me couldn't shake the possibility that it was for "us").
Pleasant...doesn't sound like a good word, does it? I googled the synonyms just to be sure: enjoyable, pleasing, pleasurable, nice, agreeable, satisfying, gratifying, welcome, good, acceptable, to one's liking. Those are all good words. Words most people long to describe any relationship with a person. But for me, at this moment, I could not bare those words. I knew me, what I was. I was filled with anger, hate toward one person. Me. And there was no way I was going to let her be happy.
Of course it was a dangerous existence, especially for a woman living alone. Short and long term. I guess I'm lucky I didn't end up in pieces shattered across the city...or worse, with a STD.
It was that lunch, though, with my friend where a slight shift in my trajectory took place. To back up a bit, this was a childhood friend. A guy. One who knew me in my innocence, as it was, before boys and men made me messy. We had been chatting online for a bit. He was unhappy in his marriage. I was a newly divorced, anti-marriage fiend. It was harmless on my end. I would've never entertained a thought of anything romantic, not with the action I was getting....
But as I said, I was kinda getting bored, at least tired. It was exhausting. What I would imagine a coke fueled 3 month party would be like, I was burnt out. I was working long hours, hitting the gym, and well, hitting it constantly. I needed to step off the merry-go-round, if just for a second. He was a friend who needed to talk and I was a friend with a shit ton to say. About everything. My interludes obviously lacked anything beyond the physical stimulation and this was just what my in (head) house doctor ordered. Plus it was a guy friend...two birds, one stone. I could get the attention and ogling with intelligent conversation. Needless to say, it began to take a turn. I saw it happening, like you see a car crash in slow motion and the momentum was too great, I couldn't stop it. Rather, I chose not to stop it...because I was the one driving the car.
I knew he was attracted to me. He even had a crush on me back then, while I dated his best friend. He was always the gentleman, though. Never made a single move. And I knew he wouldn't this time. He gave himself the opportunities, did the things which made most girls swoon. I knew the game. He needed me to take the step. I toyed with him for bit. Tortured him, really. Then one day, I think I got bored with it. Finally, I said, Brian if you aren't at my place by 4p pinning me up against the wall, I'm done with this. Brian was on time, probably early. I don't believe I'd ever broken a heart in my life time until then.
Brian was the dutiful boyfriend. Dinners out. Movies. Fun activities. It was a nice change. But even as he decided to leave his wife, I constantly warned him, our story would not end happily ever after. In fact, I repeatedly told him that I would break his heart. I would, invariably, get bored and go back to my hot, young guys. I was not girlfriend material. My loyalty was reserved for me alone. Yes, I was a stellar asshole to him but I told him. I didn't just warn him, I told him. And I meant it. Of course, I loved him. I loved Brian before this all started. The more horrible part was that I knew he loved me. The irony of me finding that ideal relationship dynamic and basically spitting in it's face is quite evident to me. I had wished for this all my adult life and now wanted nothing to do with it. A greater issue at hand? Probably, but we can come back to that. The fact was I wasn't ready for that ideal dynamic.
It was a pleasant, normal dating experience. Apart from him still being married (although he had announced his intention to file for divorce to his family...right before Christmas! That was pretty harsh. I begged him to wait but his mind was set. I think this pushed me as well. Part of me couldn't shake the possibility that it was for "us").
Pleasant...doesn't sound like a good word, does it? I googled the synonyms just to be sure: enjoyable, pleasing, pleasurable, nice, agreeable, satisfying, gratifying, welcome, good, acceptable, to one's liking. Those are all good words. Words most people long to describe any relationship with a person. But for me, at this moment, I could not bare those words. I knew me, what I was. I was filled with anger, hate toward one person. Me. And there was no way I was going to let her be happy.
Information is very informative also you can click Best Online Dating Site Australia ,and get such type of info, this is the great resource to get such type of information.
ReplyDelete